Cyrus acquires TOI

July 2, 2106:  18:06 CST

By Raymond Kyng

New Cyrus (CCN): Cyrus announced in a press release early yesterday morning that they were the winning bidder in a silent, and apparently private, auction of Technoctopus, Inc. This is the fifth such acquisition of a large technology-based corporation in the last three years for Cyrus.

Technoctopus, Inc., or TOI, as they are known in non-Cyrus Asian countries, made their start nearly 25 years ago, producing primarily electronics and software geared toward calculation and computation. In recent years, they began creating more user-friendly programs and devices, and their focus shifted from purely scientific and industrial to the home and office. Their TOIs, as they are called, range from the handheld Cal-killers, the differentiating and integrating wireless calculus handhelds that have caused such a controversy in middle and high schools, to the Instoffice 9, the software that allows a small business to instantly track its assets using a simple internet-based protocol.

In a press release podcast for stockholders, former CEO Russel Parole had this to say: “Technoctopus has had a long run, being the absolute best at what we do. But, our growth exceeded our resources and the demand we anticipated, and after a hard struggle with the accounting pit, I am sad to say that I cannot be the CEO to implement those operations, both domestic and overseas, that we worked tirelessly to create. Annual sales have dropped in the past few years, despite our renewed efforts at finding niches in formerly unexplored areas, mainly the home. Shares have dropped . . . and the Board has decided to use their lifeboat option and auction the company and its assets to the highest bidder.” The podcast was made available to the public following Cyrus's announcement of winning bid.

Cyrus spokesperson and official representative, Joss Martin, answered a few questions in the press conference following the announcement. When asked why they were expressing such interest in integrated technologies, Martin said, “Cyrus is dedicated to providing the highest quality living conditions to everyone under their protection. And this is not limited simply to 'canned air,' as our competitors have called it. We recognize the need for integrated technologies that are safe and reliable, and above all, necessary for living life to the fullest.” Asked why they had acquired TOI specifically, Martin answered, “It made sense on so many levels — we all use their products, and it wouldn't be prudent to abandon all the good work they've done, even if some of it was solely in the name of profits. Cyrus will take a cut in the profit department, if it benefits you.”

Finally, upon his exit, someone shouted, “What about Tyrell? Cyberdyne? Umbrella? Cyrus is next!” The screaming and deranged man was pulled from the press release by armed guards, and Martin simply said, “Those over-bearing corporations failed because they forgot that in all businesses, people are the true assets.” Then he winked and said with characteristic endearment, “Big Brother is watching. But only because he cares.” He smiled, exiting amid laughter and applause.

Cyrus bought TOI for an estimated ©835 million. They plan to bring the research and development departments of TOI into Cyrus City, and in a few days, they plan to announce TOI's new mission statement and their plans for overhauling the company. More information can be found at the Cyrus Corporation's website, or the Technoctopus, Inc. website.