(transcripted by Rusty McCain)

Cypodcast – Hourly update on the Cyrus Corp. vs. United Securitarian Authority (Hr. 132)

(THEME)

MILTON

Hello, cytizens, and welcome back. This is the 132nd hourly update on what may prove to be the federal court case of the century . . . if not the millennium. I'm your faithful host and loyal Cyrus cytizen, Milton Hewlet, reporting from our studio van outside the courthouse, and this is Cypodcast News.

This hourly update will include an interview with Skylar Birch, chief correspondent for the Securitarian Herald, as well as a quick talk with Ian Feller, a neutral adviser in the hearing, and I'll take some calls from listeners out there in the City.

For those of you who actually slept last night, or happen to live on Saturn, allow me to summarize the proceedings thus far:

The United Securitarian Authority, or USA, has brought scandalous charges against the Cyrus Corporation, claiming that Cyrus is purposefully harming our environment so that it can remain in control of our most precious asset, breathable air. The USA claims that deep underground, where our brave cytizens have labored and died to find the gas pockets of breathable air, Cyrus is actually building 'smog factories,' great polluting machines that flood the surface with noxious gases and smokes laced with radiation and toxins. We've heard the opening statements (hours 1 – 10), and we've heard from both sides, most notably, Cyrus's chief Engineer in Oxygen Development, who maintains that 'smog factories' are financially and physically infeasible. The USA has brought outside engineers and other so-called experts on smoke, smog, pollution, etc. to refute these statements from Cyrus's best and brightest, but, folks, let me ask you a question: Cyrus's engineers study and train at CCI, the most well-renowned technical school in the world—where do these 'outside' engineers and 'experts' come from? What is their background? Well, no matter what—their education can't have been as comprehensive or prestigious as those from CCI. There's nowhere in the world that can match that school head-to-head when it comes to the Atmospheric sciences.

With us right now is Ian Feller, inside the courtroom as they take a much-needed recess. Hello, Ian?

IAN (staticky and noisy in background)

Hello, Milton. I'm here in the courtroom, watching as representatives from Cyrus and the Authority take this quick break to regather their forces and strengthen their legal defenses against the others' attacks. I have to say there have been quite a few developments and accusations thrown back and forth, but overall, it looks to be going in the Authority's favor.

MILTON

That's not good to hear, Ian. What has been your role in the case thus far?

IAN

Well, Milton, as your listeners might now, I'm the Minister of Commerce, an elected position in the Authority, and my role is to be the ambassador for Cyrus when it deals with the Authority, and also, to be the Authority's ambassador when dealing with Cyrus. I can claim a neutral position, as I am not beholden to either side in terms of employer or favors. I'm also the chief gatherer of information for either side in regards to the other.

MILTON

Let me stop you here, Ian. What do you mean, gatherer of information?

IAN

That means that when the Authority began requesting information about the air mines, their requests ultimately came to me for verification and validation. If it doesn't have my stamp, neither side can present evidence in this case. There's no proof it's real, in other words.

MILTON

Have you been asked to testify on the validity of any pieces of evidence?

IAN

Actually, no. I've been patiently waiting for the request, but it seems that both sides did all their homework—they're both very prepared in regards to the legality of their paperwork, at least.

MILTON

Okay. Well, thank you, Ian, for that glimpse into the courtroom. It seems that the Authority has at least gone through legal means to obtain this information that they claim is so damning to Cyrus. I know that you know my position in this legal matter. My question is this: how can the USA be so objective and cruel and petty to even suggest bringing Cyrus up on charges? Any charges? We are all here, listening and talking and living, because of one thing: the air that Cyrus provides for our life. Without Cyrus there would be no USA, no courtroom, no advisers, no cytizens, no cypodcasts, nothing. We would all have died long ago if not for that loving and benevolent corporation watching over us, making sure that we are alive, free, and free to pursue whatever makes us happy. I just don't understand the mindset of the Securitarian. So with us in the studio van is Skylar Birch, the chief correspondent for the Securitarian Herald, the most-circulated Securitarian publication. Hello, Skylar.

SKYLAR

Hi, Milton. Thanks for having me.

MILTON

It's my pleasure, Skylar. What we're talking about today is the mind of the Securitarian vs. the mind of a cytizen. Do you have any insight for our listeners?

SKYLAR

Milton, first you have to understand something. The Securitarian is concerned with one thing above all, and it's pretty easy to see what it is. Security. At the end of the last millennium and the beginning of this one, our people were under attack from all fronts: political, religious, financial, sexual, racial, etc.. The people were so afraid that any day, the last day, the Apocalypse would come and that Armageddon would be a city in the USA.

MILTON

I'm sorry, Skylar. The Epoch Eclipse?

SKYLAR

Apocalypse, Milton. Readers of the Herald are quite familiar with the concept, but I realize that 'cytizens' might not be. You are familiar with the quaint notion of 'Christianity' as it applied to the last millennium?

MILTON

Somewhat, Skylar.

SKYLAR

One of the beliefs that the primitive Christians had was that there would come a time, a Judgment Day, if you will, that good Christians would ascend to heaven, and the rest would be left here on Earth, and put through trials to test their mettle and faith. Demons, earthquakes, meteors, cataclysms beyond imagination . . . this was known as the Apocalypse. There would come a final battle between the newly-faithful and those who refused to cast off their wicked ways, and the battle would be in the city of Armageddon. Many of the early Securitarians believed that this time was coming, that the attacks were heralding the end times. As a result, they formed the Securitarian party, devoted to keeping its populace safe. This case brought against Cyrus is well-justified in the confines of the Securitarian charter, which plainly states: 'any attack on our people will not be tolerated, that all enemies of Christ and the security He brings (which the Christ has come to mean something different from those days) will be crushed underfoot, and presented to be judged before God above in their true serpentine form.' In this case, that serpentine form is the Cyrus Corporation.

MILTON

Now hold on . . .

SKYLAR

I will not. Cytizens and Securitarians alike are suffering from the avaricious and sadistic Cyrus Corporation. The men and women who control this Goliath terrorize and murder its own cytizens in the name of profit, and it will not be tolerated. The time for a revolution has come, and that revolution begins with security!

(NOISES AND SHUFFLING)

MILTON

I want you the hell out of this van!

(NOISES AND GRUNTING AND SHOUTING)

SKYLAR

Do you even know what hell is, Milton? It's life under the yoke of the Cyrus Corporation! Cytizens, hear me! Cast off your masks and breathe deep in the knowledge that the United Securitarian

(DOOR CLOSES)

SKYLAR

Authority is watching over you! Christ wants your heart and soul! Open yourself to . . .

(HEAVY BREATHING)

MILTON

I am so sorry, cytizens. I had no idea we had an anti-cytizen in our midst. But now you see what a true Securitarian believes and fights for—the defamation of Cyrus. God . . . Christ . . . Epoch Lips. What is that? Myths and legends and drug-fueled 'prophecies' is what I believe. The securitarians have always railed against the prosperous, as evident by their attacks on the noble Standard Oil Company when their party was young, and later, against the trend-setting Microsoft. It's 'profit instead of paradise' they claim. Let's take a couple calls, do we have a call? Okay, Lawrence, who do we have on line 1. Christine! You're on Cypodcast News.

CHRISTINE

Hello, Milton. I have a question for you.

MILTON

Go ahead, Christine.

CHRISTINE

How can you continue to support that fascist regime the Cyrus Corporation, even in light of the evidence presented that they are poisoning the very air around you just to make you buy more!

MILTON

You know what, Christine? Why don't you go back to reading your 'bible' and eating tofu and killing babies in the name of security, you pinko! Milton Hewlet and all loyal cytizens will support the freedom-loving Cyrus Corporation until death! Securitarians can go to the Hell they're always crying and g-nashing their teeth over!

(CLICK)

MILTON

Caller 2, what's your name?

CALLER 2

Actually, I'd rather not say my name.

MILTON

And why's that?

CALLER 2

Because I'm about to assassinate the president of the United Securitarian Authority.

MILTON

What?! Caller 2, what did you just say?

CALLER 2

I am inspired beyond guilt and regret by the Cyrus Corporation, and they must be protected at any cost. Thank you, Milton, for fighting for that which we all love and need: The Cyrus Corporation. Good-bye.

MILTON

Did you just hear that? Was I dreaming? Did that man just say he was going to . . .

(NOISES OUTSIDE)

MILTON

I've just been informed by our higher-ups at Cypodcast News that we have to terminate this 'cast early, as something monumental has happened inside the courtroom. I cannot openly advocate the assassination of any cytizen or Securitarian, but if this has happened, I can only hope it shows the USA that security is fleeting and illusionary, but the Cyrus Corporation is permanent and unyielding. Join us in an hour for the update and possibly some very important news. This is Milton Hewlet, for Cypodcast News, signing off.

(THEME)

The preceding broadcast and transcript is owned and copyrighted by CypodCast News and may not be recorded, sampled, or distributed by any means, electronic or otherwise. Cypodcast News and all related elements are trademarks of Cyrus Corporation News, owned and operated by the Cyrus Corporation. Copyright 2006 Susurrus Press.